Side Missions

Okay, hotshot, here's the situation: You've finished your manuscript. You've done the mandatory edit, revise, edit, cry, rage, edit, revise and revise again dance, and now it is finished. Finally. Truly. Finished. All that's left now for your newly birthed child is for your agent (or you) to sell it for a suitcase full of cash and promises of questionable moral behavior. So what do you do now?

Conventional wisdom says to do exactly what I'm pretty sure you're thinking right now: Start the next novel. But then you sit down at your keyboard and nothing comes. The pressure mounts as the damned cursor blinks at you from the screen, and every idea you have seems trite, seems stupid, seems worse than the book you just finished. It's frustrating. It's maddening. And you start to have those same negative creeping thoughts that burrow into your skull.

"What if I'm out of ideas?" "What if this is it?" "What if I'll never have another novel to write?" "The world is meaningless!" "I'm a hack!" "I may as well just gorge myself on Oreos and pizza and turn into a swollen toad and die!"

"Fuckoff... I'm stuffed...."

First off, calm down.

Second, there's something you can do. Instead of screaming and crying and throwing yourself on the couch in a fit of self-loathing, go on a side mission.

But Scott, I hear you say, what the hell are you talking about? So glad you asked.

Your imagination, according to the late, great, Ray Bradbury, is like any other muscle. You either use it or it atrophies and dies. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. The less, the weaker. So you, as a writer, need that particular muscle to ply your trade. Think of it in terms of a professional athlete. A pro fighter goes into a training camp for each fight. It's an intensive workout designed to make him the best he can be. But what does he do after that fight's over? Does he stop working out? Does he quit fighting completely?  Not bloody likely. No, they do light workouts. They do maintenance workouts. They keep the muscle memory fresh, keep the joints moving, keep the timing up. Why? Because they want to be ready when the next contract comes in.

Massive power poop in 3...2...1...

Just like you.

Once the big fight (your novel) is over, you want to keep that momentum going, but you don't necessarily want to climb back into he ring for the next fight (you're new novel). So you go on side missions.

A side mission is a short project. Maybe it's a short story. Maybe it's just a few paragraphs a day to keep the creative juices flowing. Maybe it's fodder for your idea folder. Side missions can be things you never see again, or things that unexpectedly blossom into full-fledged novels. The point is, they're things that keep you sharp, but don't necessarily have the emotional attachment of a full-fledged novel. They're things that are fun, because, let's face it, if you're not having fun, you're doing this thing called writing wrong. And if you never pick them up again, so what? You had fun writing them. And if they develop into something more, cool, but no pressure, right?

It's casual.

So how does one go on a side mission? First, place butt in chair. Second, place fingers on keyboard. Third, start typing. Pretty much, it's that simple. I mean, sure you want to give yourself a writing prompt. I have shelves in my writing room that are full of curios and oddities that are all story fodder. I pick one (or two or whatever) and think about a past or a future I could give that item, and just start going. That jump drive? What could be on it that would save the world? That weird brick with all the signatures? Who are they and where did it come from? The suspicious bag hanging from a braid of hair in the bell jar? Where'd it come from and what's it for? Then I start writing and just let it jump out of my fingers and brain like electronic vomit. And when I've reached my daily word-count, I get up and go enjoy the rest of my day. Just like when I write a novel.

Lookit this friggin' guy... enjoying his day...

So lets try a quick experiment, shall we? Quick... Look immediately to your right. What's the first thing you lay your eyes on? In my case, it's big metal coffee thermos (I have a problem... I know... Don't judge me). Now, take into account the two basic plot lines that any fiction follows (A person goes on a journey, or a stranger comes to town) and see how you can place your object into that arena. Got the idea in your head?  Now GO!  Type for your minimum word count! And when you're done, get up, kiss your loved ones, and flex your taut imagination muscles at them like the author you are.

BOOM! BOOM!  FIREPOWER!!!

And the great thing about side missions are this: Y'know that genre thing that you stubbornly adhere to? Yeah, you don't have to cling to it. It's an experiment. You're trying it out. You're just giving yourself some breathing room. You tried weights instead of cardio. No big deal. You wrote sci-fi instead of horror. It's okay. You can diversify.

So yeah. Side missions. Get on it.

Until next time --

-=SAJ=-

Humility: Training to Make Yourself Better.

No matter how good you are, there's always someone out there who is better than you.  Chances are, quite a few. You train and work for your entire life, and no matter what, the only certainty is that someone, somewhere, will still be better than you. It's a cold hard fact of life.  Deal with it.

Stay with me here.

I'm a 5th dan black belt in Kajukenbo.  My legit rank is "Master" (though no one calls me that... I prefer "Sifu" or just "Scott").  Those five stripes on my belt represent 30+ years of dedication and practice to become a martial artist of what many consider to be a high caliber. And, over those years, you could say I've learned a thing or two about fighting. At 45, I coach people half my age and train them to fight in both tournaments and real life. In the ring, without sounding too arrogant, I'm pretty good and can hold my own.

This is my belt.

Then I met Paul.

This guy...

Paul is only 30, and he can kick in ways I couldn't even when I was sixteen. Paul is lightning fast and wicked accurate. He's easily the best fighter I've ever seen in my life, and there's no two ways about it:  He's better than me. His kata is crisper, his kicks are higher, and his speed is off the charts. He's also one helluva nice guy, and extremely humble. So when he asked me if I wanted to go a round or two with him, I said sure.

Keep in mind, I know the guy can outclass me in the ring and if it came to an all-out slugfest, he'd likely hand me my body parts in a doggie bag.

So the question came up, if I knew he was better and I knew he was going to work me over, why did I agree to fight him? Simple. Paul's the kind of person who will make you better.  By working with a martial artist of his caliber, I become better, whether I mean to or not. A fighter like Paul will force you to step your game up, make you think on your feet, and cause you to work harder.  Not because you want to beat him, but because you want to be worthy to train with him. You can't help but become better when you work with him, and it's an honor to absorb some of his knowledge. I like to think I contribute to the relationship as well (I still know a few katas he needs...), but that's just it. He's that damned good, and he makes me good by proxy.

Same thing holds true for writers.

Don't pretend... You knew...

At Seton Hill, and with other writing programs, we look to the mentors to make us better. Not just the students, mind you, but the pros as well. Some of my very best friends in the writing world have made me better just for having listened to them talk, eavesdropping on their lectures, and having a beer with them and shooting the breeze.

I know, it's difficult. For many of us in this field, there's a certain level of insecurity that comes with the job. It becomes a point to casually mention how many of what you've gotten published, how many awards you've won, what your agent thinks and who else he or she represents, blah blah blah.  It becomes a big distasteful dick-waving contest to see who has the biggest by-line, and when that happens you stop growing. See, it's not about how good you are, or how good you think you are. It's about listening to the folks around you, its about gaining all you can from others, and from learning that it's okay to not be the biggest literary giant in the room. Everyone looks up to someone. Everyone looks up to someone.

Don't be this guy... Please. 

So the question becomes: Who do you want to be?  The guy who brags about how much he's accomplished? Or the guy who listens and becomes great?

You're never as good as you think you are. You're also never as bad as you think you are either. But you can always learn. And the best way to do that is to read the people who are better than you. Talk to the people who are more accomplished than you. Show them respect and learn to admit that there is someone better than you out there. Sure, you get beat a lot. But you learn so much in the process. And in the end, some of that greatness may just accidentally seep into you.

Chairs

While mentoring young writers, I often come across similar issues.  One of my favorites is when the writer in question has a brilliant imagination, but clearly hasn't thought things through enough.  I teach a module called "Evolution of the Species" in which we discuss this type of issue, but here' i'd like to focus on a small problem that turned huge pretty quick as an illustration. 

For the purposes of this exercise, let's assume you're a writer.  

Your genre is fantasy (or "high fantasy").  You've created a race of people who have wings.  You have a gift of description that leaves your readers breathless with the beautiful images of purple feathers and soft collars of down.  In fact, this race is so ancient that you have no real reason to create a complete backstory for them because they "have always been."

Submitted without comment...

Then one sits in a chair. 

Now, for a moment, lets ignore all the other issues this world has, such as your winged people living in houses.  Let's just focus on that one detail for a moment. 

In your home, you have chairs.  No, really.  Don't believe me?  Go look.  I'll wait.  See?  Told you.  Now, in your description of these chairs, you go on and on about highly decorated ornate backs of wood and employ your gift of descriptive imagery to its full extent.  The chairs in your world are beautiful and realistic to all the readers.  

Pictured:  Your character's chair.

They're also wrong.  Here's why. 

Follow my thought process here.  Intelligent species first begin designing object to use out of utilitarian need.  We design things that fit our bodies, and if it doesn't, then why on any world would we create them?  Do you see the problem yet?  Okay... Here it is:  If your character, which you describe as the size of a roughly good sized human, has wings large enough to bear him aloft in accordance with the laws of physics, he could not physically sit in a chair because he would break his wings.

"Dammit!  This is why we can't have nice things!"

The same thing applies to every aspect of this new world in which the dominant species has a twelve-foot wing span.  So now it becomes your job as a writer to build your world backward, so you can see what would've been built how, and why.  A species with a twelve-foot wing span would not, for example ever build anything that would necessitate the crushing of one's own wings.  In fact, if you take into account physical limitations, this particular species would, likely, have invented the bar stool long before it ever invented something as obviously meant for torture as a "chair."

See?  No backs, no wing crushings.

Now apply this to other areas.  For example, a "bedroom."  What's the first thing you like to do when you wake up in the morning?  Stretch, right?  Now take a good look at your bedroom.  Hard walls, low ceilings, etc.  If you had a twelve-foot wingspan, would you ever be caught inside something like that?  Chances are, no.  Chances are, it would be torturous for you.  Small windows, roads, vehicles... None of it would even exist in a world where the dominant species had wings.  Hell, roads might not even exist. 

The point is this:  You need to think it through.  Build your world from the bottom up with the dominant species in mind.  There's a brilliant joke that the late great Douglas Adams wrote in The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy which involves a multi-limbed creature that was unique in the universe in that it invented underarm deodorant before it discovered the wheel.  Necessity.  It's why we create things.  Your species would do the same. 

When you build a world, start with your species.  Then ask yourself a series of questions:

• What are its needs?
• What are its limitations?
• How are they like me?
• How are they dissimilar?

Make good choices for your characters and make your world more believable.  I don't mean make your readers think the world is real, but at least make them wonder at the possibility.  Otherwise, you have creatures who are doing incredibly uncomfortable things for their anatomy.  Like sitting in chairs. 

Things I'm Tired of Seeing

I recently returned from Seton Hill University (where I teach in their MFA Writing Popular Fiction program...  Go look it up), and the powers that be handed down a topic of conversation.

What are you tired of seeing in your genre?

It's actually a very complex question that deserves a great deal of examination.  No matter your genre, there are tropes, cliches, overused situations and rip-offs that drive writers and readers up a wall.  If you are writing, it is your responsibility to try to constantly improve, to elevate the genre, if you will.  So, taking a cue from Rob Hart in his blog-post, I thought I might share ten things that make me kitten-punching angry when I read them for the millionth time.

10.  Weak Female Characters - Women that "need" a man, women that are incapable of making decisions on their own, and women that exist for no other reason than to be a damsel in distress, lead me to ask one question of the writers who create them:  Where the hell do you people live?  I'm in Texas, and women here don't act like that!  Point me to the city of simpering gyno-Americans and let me open up a Kajukenbo school there!  Please!  Look, when you create a character, you want that character to be real, right?  You want people to resonate with them?  You want them to be loved?  Maybe?  The women I've always found attractive, or even mildly interesting, have never been the "oops-I-fell-down-please-help-me" type.  They've been the "oh-no-he-DIDN'T" type that has opinions,  strength, and enough intelligence to accomplish her goals.

9.  Sex for the Sake of Sex - Look, I'm not a prude.  Really.  But if your manuscript reads like the plot to every bad porno that's out there, you're doing something wrong.  Sure, it's fine to have your characters bonk like rabid weasels.  But in your book, there has to be a reason for it.  It should advance the plot.  It should define the character.  It should not be "Well, I haven't put a graphic description of someone's wang in for about fifty pages..."  Even in erotica, the sex should do something to advance the story or character.

8.  Magic Without Consequence - Magic, by definition, is the manipulation of energy to influence an outcome.  That's the truncated version, and I don't feel like typing the whole thing when I'm ranting, so go with me.  That energy has to come from somewhere, right?  I mean, Einstein said so, right?  So that means it has to come from either an outside source or the user's body.  If it's from the body, that energy has to be generated by the consumption of food, otherwise the body will wither and die, so that character is going to be hungry all the time.  If it's outside, where's it coming from?  The plants?  Okay, they'll wither and die.  Gods?  Better believe they'll want something in return.  And if you're directing the energy through the character's body, how much energy can that body handle without going into "HOLY-SHIT-I'M-ON-FIRE!!!" mode?  Think these things through, people.  Please.

7.  "The Chosen One" - If I had a nickel for every story I've read (both published and not-yet published) where some kid is revealed to be the SAVIOR OF THE WORLD! (cue music) who has been hidden in plain sight for fifteen or so years, I'd have a rather large sack of nickels.  Please, people, I know it's a time-honored storyline, but it's been beaten bloody lately.  Let is rest for, let's say, ten years?  Fifteen?  That might be nice.

6.  Monsters who Aren't Monsters Anymore - Quick as you can, think of the last time you've been really scared by a zombie?  Or a vampire?  Or a werewolf?  Sorry, but we (I'm in America, BTW) just can't seem to have monsters that are, you know actual monsters anymore.  We have to make them fluffy.  We have to make them brooding and sympathetic.  We have to take away what made them scary in the first place and make them emo-kids or whining little snots that deserve our contempt and not the legions of lovesick sparkle-pants that flock to see their movies.  How 'bout this:  What about a monster that is (gasp) evil?  That is scary?  Would that be so bad?

5.  Chisel-Chest - You know damned well who I'm talking about.  The perfect hero.  The guy.  Former special ops, long flowing hair, damaged with a good heart, strong jaw and a body made of rock-hard granite just waiting for a squishy female (see number 10) to come and drill through to his ooey-gooey center of love and creamy nugat.  BLECH.  How about a real person?  Real people are overweight, out of shape, have bad hair and skin, and are constantly being told they're not good enough by mainstream media.  Why contribute to that problem?

4.  Poor Research - Guys and Gals, if you rely on what you see in movies and/television to tell you how things work, news flash:  You're wrong.  Your writing will show it, and people will point and laugh.  Your book will become the butt of every literary joke in the world.  For example, in an enclosed apartment, a man fires a gun three times, then whispers to his partner "you go around back..."  Guess what?  If he whispers, his partner will never hear him because guns are really freaking loud.  Espeically in an enclosed space.  Wanna know about a particular religion so you don't sound like a bigoted schmuck (or ignorant)?  Read a book.  Do some research.  Talk to people who know the subject.

3.  Ultra-Boob - Related to Chisel-Chest, Ultra-Boob is the female version.  Spunky, gorgeous, vivacious, always described as under 5'5," under 110 lbs, and able to beat the snot out of a mountain troll with nothing but high-heels and attitude.  Really?  Your (insert angry stereotype minority heritage that writers are constantly trying to prove how cool they are by perpetuating it) blood makes you more than a match for something twice your height and six times your weight?  Yeah, right.  Sorry, but it reminds me of one of those annoying yip-dogs that people all hate, but no one kicks because it wouldn't be worth the effort.  Yes, we all know she's a joke, and that one good backhand by an ogre would send her crumpling (possibly with internal hemmoraging and/or a mild case of death), but no one does it because... well, why?  What would be the point?  Writers, this person is annoying in real life and doesn't come across as a "strong female character."  She comes across as a bitch.

2.  M-Night-Shayammalammadingdong Endings - The twist.  Lead the reader through the whole book, and then, in the last ten pages, (gasp) he was the bad guy all along!  Or (gasp) it was all a dream! Or (gasp) insert-your-annoying-plot-twist-of-choice!  It's lazy.  It's lying to the reader.  It betrays the reader's trust and you need to form that trust relationship with the reader so he or she will continue on your journey of insanity.

1.  Vampires (and, to a lesser extent, Zombies) - Seriously.  Stop it.

Bonus:  The Mash-Up - We've all played the drunken game of "What book would be made better with zombies/vampires/leprechauns/smurfs," and for a while it was amusing.  Now it's old and played out and, really, did we need a version of "Moby Dick" in which the whale was white because it was an undead zombie whale?

So that's my list.  Feel free to share yours in the comments.

Thanks for reading.