How to Be a Writer - Part III (Self Care)

This is a very sensitive subject, and one that is very close to my heart. I talk about mental health and physical well-being all of the time, but I think there are aspects of being this weird "writer" creature that many people do not take into account. Someone has to talk about it, so it may as well be your old Uncle Scott.

First thing's first: This whole "writing" thing? It's hard. Really hard. There's no stability, no retirement plan (unless you make one), no healthcare (unless you buy it), and no steady paycheck. Sure, you're your own boss, you set your own hours, etc. But there's a downside to that: It's all on you. And that leads a great many of us creative-types (not just writers...) to have a particular mental outlook on the world. Yes, I'm talking about depression. Serious, severe depression. Studies have shown (links below) that writers and creative types (musicians, artists, comedians) are more prone to depression than the so-called "normal" folks, and while theories abound as to why, no one really has clue one about the solid concrete cause. Of course, I have my own theories. Shall I share them?

To my mind, part of what leads the humble writer to depression is that we are constantly bombarded with rejection. Literally, our worth in our chosen field is determined by a group of strangers who don't know us, the random masses who may or may not read our work, and even people that may or may not "get" what we were going for in a story. And those things are not objective at all. They're all determined by taste, upbringing, what they had for lunch today (you try being nice with heartburn...), or even how their day is going. So you, the writer, spend months writing what you think is the greatest story you've ever written, then you send it out to agents and editors, and the response you get is "no." Or worse, "meh." And suddenly, the invasive thought appear. "I suck." "I'll never be good at this." "Why do I bother?" "I should've been a veterinarian." We fall into a hole of self-doubt and beat ourselves up until one of two things happens: We either quit, or we get stubborn about it and keep moving on.

Another reason for this issue in our lives is that writing is largely a solitary endeavor. As social creatures, we crave human contact. Even if you say you hate people and want to live as a hermit, for the most part, there will come a point where, if you don't have human contact, it's unhealthy. So we want people in our lives, friends, spouses, significant others, but we want them to leave us the hell alone when we're working.

We impose deadlines on ourselves and feel guilty when we don't meet them. We set impossible expectations for our work and fall into despair when it comes up short. We all have dreams of being the next big thing, and those dreams are constantly being smacked with a hammer.

So what can we do? Give up? Nope. I'm stubborn. I've got some things that I do when I'm on a downward swing that may help you.

Give yourself permission to suck. Look, not every word you write is going to be gold. Every first draft sucks, and that's the truth. So when you read through something, try to see your intent when you wrote it as opposed to how many times you wrote "there" instead of "they're." If you find something that sucks, mark it, revisit it, and ponder on what you could do to make a stronger choice. But don't beat yourself up over little mistakes or first-draft fuckery. It's fine. Everyone does this, from King to someone you've never heard of. Every first draft sucks.

Give yourself permission to step away from the keyboard. You know what happens when you're at your keyboard and the words won't come, but you're still sitting there determined to force them to appear? Nothing. The words still won't come. And you begin to feel depression jumping on you because you're obviously not a real writer because you can't just summon the muse from the ether and  make her shit out a few dozen pages at will. It doesn't work like that. Never has, never will. Yes, set a daily word count goal, and hit that goal, but also recognize when you need to step away for a few minutes. Realize that, at some point, you're going to get blocked and you may need to take a lap to get that creative magic back in your fingers.

Take a walk. When I'm having difficulty, I like to do things that I don't have to particularly "think" about. Typically, that means taking a walk through the neighborhood. See, if I sit and watch a TV show, I get involved in the plot. Hell, I wind up binge-watching the whole thing, and that's just a giant time-suck. Same thing for movies, though I love watching movies in the theater. Instead, I go for a walk through my neighborhood. I don't have to think about where I'm going so long as I follow the sidewalk, and that gives my brain a chance to kickstart itself back into working.

Exercise. One of the other pitfalls of this lifestyle is that it requires large amounts of time with butt in chair, which isn't conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Realize that the amount of time we spend in the chair for each novel is directly proportional to what I like to call "ass-spread." At least, it's that way for me. When I graduated from high school, long before I realized I wanted to be a writer, I weighed 142 pounds soaking wet and had 6% body fat. After more than a decade of being a writer, I saw my weight soar to the heaviest I've ever been, which is 240 pounds. Every joint I had hurt, and I got winded going upstairs in my own house. Since then, I've been on an exercise program, and at the time of this blog entry, I'm at 211. Exercise is a great way to turn off your brain and let it do the processing for you.

Read. How did we first learn to tell stories? By reading the works of the masters of our craft. How can we recharge when we feel that our batteries are low? By reading the works that inspired us to start with.

Connect. As I said, we are social creatures, whether we want to be or not. It's biology. So you do occasionally have to get out and (*gasp*) hang out with your friends. Reconnect with the people in your life that care about you and want to know where the hell you've been. Remind yourself that you do have people who love you. And if you don't think you do, I'm betting you're wrong. And if you want a more "writerly" way of connecting, have I got a solution for you: Writers' Workshops. I regularly attend In Your Write Mind, a writer's retreat created by alumni of Seton Hill University, at which I work. There are writers' retreats, workshops, and conventions in every state all year through. There are organizations for your genre as well. I'm a member of the Horror Writers Association and the International Thriller Writers Association. Why? Because it's nice to not feel alone in this endeavor, and it's nice to have other people to talk to, to ask questions, and to basically bullshit around with.

Get help. There is no shame in the realization that you need help. Everyone needs help. Invasive thoughts, feelings of depression, hopelessness... These are signs of a larger problem, and one that a qualified, trained professional can help with. Please, before it's too late, get help.

These are the things that work for me. And you may need to find more that work for you. I was diagnosed with what was at the time known as severe manic depression years ago. I also have a touch of PTSD, the reasons for which I won't go into now. I have been on that ledge, on that chair, at the proverbial tipping point where my life could've ended. One thing that helped me walk away from it with my life still intact was this:  YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people who can help you. And here's one other little thing that I do when I'm having a mental health crisis... I write about it. The books that I wrote after a major trauma in my life feature some very heart-crushing themes, and they were my way of getting them out of my soul and healing. I'm not saying it's a magical panacea for everything what ails you, but I'm saying that, for me, it helped. I have lost too many friends to suicide, and I've had a couple of friends come awfully damned close. I don't want to lose any more, and I don't want to be the cause of anyone else's misery if I be the one taking my own life.

The point of this entry is very simple: You can't be a writer if you're not around to write. Make your goals, set your deadlines, whatever, but you have to make time to take care of yourself. Read that again. You have to make time to take care of yourself. Take a hot bath, take a nap, go grab a coffee, reconnect with friends... Do something that makes you feel good about who you are as a person. Take care of yourself.  And don't you dare let anyone shame you for it. If anyone says "well, you're not a real writer unless..." Kick that person squarely in the junk. Tell them I told you to. I gave you permission. G'head. Send 'em my way.

Remember, your story will not get written if you aren't around to write it. You are valid. You have worth. And there is an audience for your work.

Next time, we'll talk about that pesky day job.

Until then, write on!

SAJ

Articles for your consideration

• Why writers are prone to depression - Everyday Health
• Four tips for writing when you're depressed - Kristen Kieffer
• The neurological similarities between successful writers and the mentally ill - Thought Catalogue

Helpful Links

• National Suicide Prevention Helpline
• Suicide Hotlines
• Crisis Text Line

How to Be a Writer - Part II (Your Writing Space)

Last time, in part one of our multi-part series, I talked about the basic tools that you need to be a writer. This time, I'm going to talk about where you write. Keep in mind, there is no right answer for this. There is what works for you. I'm going to be talking about what works for me, sharing a few glimpses into my writer's lifestyle, and what works for a few of my contemporaries (with their names redacted so you won't think I'm name-dropping anyone).

So what do you look for in a writing space? Well, if you're like me, you look for a few things. Darkness, few windows (I'm easily distracted), and a frickin' door, to start with. For me, a writing space becomes holy ground. When I'm in that space, I am not to be disturbed, and everyone in my life, in theory, knows that. It's not as pretentious as it sounds, really. The thing is, I have to be in a certain mindset when I write. When I hit that point, I can type for hours on end without a single break and not even realize the time has passed. But the thing is, it takes me a while to get there, and only an instant to pull me out of it. So, before we look at some different type of writing spaces, let's talk about the whole "sacred space" thing.

A Sacred Space is a place in the home that is used to unplug from everything else in your life so you can focus on one thing and one thing only (whatever that is). In most cases, when people talk about sacred spaces, they're talking about focusing on their spirituality, loving the world, or some other aspect of spiritual growth. Now take that concept and apply it to your writing room. Your writing room/space/garage/nook/ironing board should be that sort of place for you: A place where you can tune out the rest of the world and focus on what truly matters. In this case, it's your writing (and let's be honest here... Writing is a form of spirituality. And therapy.). It should be filled with things that help your writing, not distract you from it. Let me explain.

My writing room is an ode to chaos. Contained therein, you will find dozens of occult curios, reference books, novels, books by friends and former students. You'll find Captain America's shield hanging on the wall and my pug's bed in the corner. You will find my guitar behind my desk and paintings by my wife around my desk. In short, the room is me. It's everything that I need to feel comfort. It's everything that I need so I won't worry, look around, and find excuses not to write. One thing you will not find: Bills on my keyboard. See, nothing goes into my writing space that causes me anxiety because, well, that's not how I work. When I write, I write in silence with only ambient noise from the house around me.

But that's not how everyone works. One author I know finds his creative juices in a booth an the local Starbucks, surrounded by people and with noise all around. That's his sacred space. That's the space he goes to when it's time to go to work. Ernest Hemmingway wrote standing up with his typewriter on his dresser. That was his sacred space.  Some people write with music. Some write in silence. I know at least one writer whose typewriter used to sit on an ironing board in a very small cubby.

The point I'm trying to make is this: Find yourself a space that, when you are there, it's time to work. Why? Because you are training your brain to get into its creative state. It's a trigger. Think of it like a Pavlovian response. We ring the bell, you drool. You sit in your writing chair, you start thinking like a writer. Then comes the tricky part: EVERYONE ELSE.

I got lucky. I married an artist who understands that, when I'm working, I need to be left alone. She needs the same thing when she works. When we bought our house, we each created a space that was uniquely ours. I have my writing room downstairs, she has her art studio upstairs. And we both know when the other is in their sacred space, we leave them the hell alone.  And, yes, I'm aware that this makes us sound unbearable to live with, but that's what it is to live with creative people. We complement each other, and we deal with it.

But most folks aren't that lucky. The key to dealing with this? Ground rules. Communication. You can't just assume your partner(s) will understand what's going on in this room if you don't tell them. So you need to very carefully and explicitly set some ground rules for how you would like the world to operate if you're in your writing space. And then be expected to make compromises. For example: "I'd like to not be disturbed if I'm in this place, because I'm working on a novel." "Okay, but if we haven't seen you in eight hours, I'm breaking the door down." "Fair." Remember, a temperamental creative type you may be, but you're not allowed to be 100% asshole. Your partner's feelings are just as valid as yours, so you need to respect them. But you also need time to do what you need to do. Communication is the only way to solve this problem.

The point I'm trying to make is this: Find your space. Whether it's in a coffee shop, an office, your back porch, or even in your kitchen, find what works for you. Find the place that, when you sit there, your brain knows it's time to go into a creative cycle. And if you're one of those people who can work anywhere and anytime, more power to you. I wish I could, but I can't. And that's okay too.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, here are some photos of my indoor and outdoor writing rooms.  Yes, I write on my back porch some times.

Next time, we're going to talk about one of the most important, and often ignored, aspects of actually being a writer in part three of our three-part series.

Until next time, write on!

SAJ

How to Be a Writer - Part I (Tools of the Trade)

As writers, we spend a lot of time dealing with mechanics. Punctuation, grammar, spelling, storytelling, plot, etc. We spend so much time learning the craft of being a writer, but no one ever really tells us how to be a writer. I get it, sure, if you don't have the tools, you're not going to get very far. But let's say, just for the sake of argument, that you've finished your MFA, you have a head full of ideas, and you're raring to go. So then what? I mean, writing a story is one thing, but how does one actually be a writer? What are the pitfalls of the writing lifestyle that people don't talk about? For the life of me, I don't think a single person ever said "hey, yes you can write, but do you know about...?" concerning the lifestyle of a writer? How do relationships work? What equipment do you need? Where do you write? How do you support yourself while you write? Do you have a day job? How long before a publisher offers me a suitcase full of cash and lewd promises of questionable morality?

I'm going to attempt to answer those questions. At least, I'll give you the insight that my experience has taught me. I don't pretend to be the end-all-be-all expert on all of this, but if you let me, I think maybe I can help. So let's start with Part I - What tools do you need to be a writer?

This is not going to be some esoteric discussion that ends with "all you need is imagination and gumption." Sure, those are nice, but let's start with the obvious: A computer. Laptop, desktop, iPad, Windows, Mac, Linux, it doesn't really matter what the specifics are. You just need some sort of word-processing apparatus that facilitates the recording of your story/novel/play. Before you get your shorts in a knot, let me explain. Nothing against the people who prefer to write longhand, but I have yet to meet or even see an editor or agent that accepts hand-written submissions, no matter how pretty the handwriting. I use a combination of my desktop (older 27" iMac), laptop (Macbook Air, provided by one of the universities for whom I work) and an iPad with a bluetooth keyboard, depending on where I am. None of that matters, however. Go ahead and draft on a yellow legal pad. But before you get ready to submit your stuff, you're going to have to enter it into the word processing software (or pay someone else to). Which brings me to my second point: Software.

Trust me... No one cares what you use. 

If you walk into a room full of writers and loudly ask what writing software they use, you will get as many different answers as there are people in the room. What's more, each one will extol the virtues of the software they use, and try to convince you that theirs is the OMGBEST for writing. And it's all bullshit. Look, every writing software out there does basically the same thing. Some help you keep track of plot points, others help you keep track of characters. Some are free, others are quite expensive. But the absolute truth of the matter is this: It doesn't matter. Whatever software you choose, choose it because you like it, not because some over-caffeinated lunatic told you to. Try a few. They all have trial versions, and chances are you'll find one you'll like. Me? I use good-old Microsoft Word for two reasons. First, every publisher I've come across requests manuscripts in one of three formats: .rtf (Rich Text Format), .doc (Word Document), or .docx (updated Word Document). Most word processors will have these formats listed under their "save as" menu, but I figure I'm just cutting out another step, and eliminating the chance for the formatting to be off. The second reason? Both the colleges I work for provide the Microsoft Office Suite for free to faculty and staff members, as well as students. So... Yeah. I use it because it's powerful, does what I want it to do, and I don't have to pay for it.

So what else do you need? Well, obviously, a place to write. We'll go more into the details of your writing space in a later episode of Strange Words, but suffice to say you need a place where you can sit with your thoughts and put your words down. It can be an empty room, the middle of your kitchen, or even a crowded coffee shop. What matters isn't the trappings themselves. What matters is that you are comfortable there. What matters is that the place is conducive to your creative process. Wherever that place is, don't let anyone tell you that it's wrong. A very dear friend of mine (who is incredibly well accomplished and published) writes at Starbucks. Trying to do such a thing would drive me insane, because I would keep getting distracted. But it works for him, and that's all that matters. So you need to find a place where you can gather your thoughts and lay them out.

I love office supplies...

Everything else is just window dressing and props. There are things that are useful to have, sure, but not necessary. For example, I carry around a composition book and a pen everywhere I go, even though hand-writing stuff out drives me up a wall. Why? Because I don't know when I'm going to see something that will spark an idea. I don't know when I'll need to make a note. And flipping open a notebook takes way less time than unloading my laptop, firing up the word processor, creating a new document....blah blah blah. I also use composition books to keep track of things in my books so I don't have to keep going back thirty or so pages to figure out what a certain character's middle name is (it's Irving, by the way).

There are a few things I would suggest you have, but none of it is necessary. Pens, reams of paper, stickies, a cork-board, all help make the job easier, but they're never necessary. I also suggest that every writer should have a good quality laser printer. Why? Because they last a good long time, and editing is easier on paper than it is on the screen.

Next time, we'll talk about your sacred writing space.

Until then, write on!

SAJ

Shy Grove and Self Publishing - Part I

Last year, I enrolled in an MFA program in Publishing and Writing Popular Fiction through Emerson University in Boston. My first two semesters (summer) went exactly as I thought they would. Literature courses, things of interest, and processes that would turn me into a more well-rounded writer. I went into the program without illusions and without thinking I'd be the most published person they'd seen (hear me roar). Rather, I went into it trying to find out where I was weak, where I could improve, and where I could grow.

Then the third semester hit. This was the semester I both most anticipated and most feared. See, it was the first one where work of my own would be thrown into a ring for open critique, a thing I've not had the luxury of in years. So what if there was another course on... lemme see... Book design? What the hell is that?

Turns out, it's exactly what you think it is. We were to take a manuscript (ours or someone else's) and build the publishable book for it from conception to completion. I've done similar work before, but never like this. About a month in, it occurred to me that, at semester's end, I'd be about a gnat's whisker away from having a publishable manuscript on my hands. Should I self-pub it? Or not?  Those of you who know me know that I've always been a vocal proponent of taking the traditional route (except on Droplets, which was extreme circumstances which I'm not getting into here). But the stigma of self-publishing has largely gone away in recent years, so I decided why not? I have two completed manuscripts that my agent (through no fault of her own) couldn't place, and they're doing no one any good just taking up space on my hard drive. What do I have to lose?

So here, then, is the process I went through with this new journey into self-publishing. There'll be several parts to this, so stick around for a while.

Step One - The Manuscript

Right. The first step to self-pubbing anything is to actually have something to self-pub. For me, I had two possibilities:  Shy Grove: A Ghost Story or Ungeheur. The first one is, as the title implies, a ghost story. It involves supernatural elements, possession, religious cults, dead babies, and a holy gang-bang. I can't imagine why any publisher would pass on that. The second is monsters that eat a small town. It features gore, depression, sorrow, sexual frustration, strong women, and monsters. Which one to pick...

Monsters or holy gang-bang... Hmmm

As you can guess, I chose the first one. Shy Grove: A Ghost Story clocked in at 81,000 words (novel length by any measuring stick) and had lots of positive feedback from publishers, with one telling me that they'd have taken it in a heartbeat, but they were squicked out by dead babies. Fair enough.

Once you get the manuscript chosen, it's a good idea to have your beta readers (you have those, right?) give it the old once-over to try to catch any and all of the nastiness that your mind didn't catch on your last read-through. Things like missing words (ahem), misspellings, punctuation errors, etc. Then it's time for your first big decision.

Step Two - Trim Size

The big question at this step is: what size do you want your book to be?

"What do you mean? Book sized!"

Right. But that's not how that works. Go to any bookstore and have a look around. Books come in all shapes, sizes, covers, etc. So how big do you want it to be? Didn't think about that, did you? Createspace, Amazon's self-publishing service, offers fifteen different sizes of books, all of which are available for you to use. You could have a book that's the size of a sheet of standard copying paper, or you could go all the way down to 5" x 8." It just depends on how you want your book to look. How much shelf-space do you want it to take up? Do you want it to fit in a back pocket? Do you want it to dominate whatever coffee table upon which it sits? Think hard about this step, because it only gets harder from here.

For me, I chose the 5"x8" option. Why? It doesn't matter. What matters is that's what I wanted to do, and you can make your own decisions on how big of a book you want.

Next blog, we'll discuss the fascinating, frustrating, and fun job of designing the cover!

See you next time!

SAJ

A Few Words on Agents

Writers depend on a lot of people to do their jobs. Sure, the actual writing part of it may be a largely solitary endeavor, but once the first draft is done, we need help. We need our beta readers, critique partners, editors, significant-others, and a host of others to help us achieve our collective dreams of getting on the NYT Bestseller List, and eventually conquering the world. And one of the most important people to that process can be your agent.

It's said a good agent can make an author's career while a bad one can surely break it. Sage advice. So here's me, you're good-old-uncle Scott, to let you know what an agent actually does, and how to tell the good ones from the bad ones.

What an Agent Does
A common misconception is that agents are the keys to success, and that once you've landed one, you're on your way to international fame (and world domination). Not true. The real key to success is still your own manuscript, hard work, honing your craft, etc. And once you've landed an agent, the publishers are not going to come knocking on your door waving suitcases full of cash and offers of possibly unethical and immoral favors. Sorry to destroy the fantasy, but that's just not how it happens.

What an agent actually does, however, is an insane amount of work that you will probably never see. Their job is to sell your manuscript, sure. But it goes beyond that because an agent does things that you, the writer, can't do. First thing's first: The agent takes your manuscript, evaluates it, then gives you notes on how to make it more marketable. For some, that's line-editing. For others, it's a "keep-or-crap" mentality. It's their job to know what's trending, what sells, and who buys the most of it.

Once the manuscript is ship-shape (or shit-shape, depending...) they start the arduous process of submission. Y'know how many publishers put a clause in their submission guidelines that say "3-6 months reply time" or something of the like? Yeah... Agents aren't immune to that. Editors get gobs of manuscripts every day, and it takes time to weed through them all. And, if you send your manuscript in, you have to sit patiently and wait for the rejection letter to come in the mail before you send it out again. But the agent can do a little thing that you can't do: NAG. My agent is the queen of the nags. If she thinks an editor has had a manuscript for too long, she has no qualms about sending out the nagging e-mail. Just a gentle "hey, did you read it yet?" or something of the like.  Now, if you or I try that, our manuscript will never get read. But the agent? Yeah... it's in her job description, and the good ones?  They are damned good at it.

Pictured: Agent to Editor

Not only that, but they can get your manuscript in front of editors that you can't. Take a look at many of the biggest publishing houses' submission guidelines and you'll see the phrase "agented submissions only." Why? Because everyone thinks they can be a writer. Everyone thinks their story is the one that will change the world. and, frankly, everyone is wrong. It takes skill, education, and determination to be a writer, and not a small amount of blind stupid luck. The agent acts as a gate-keeper to these publishers. "I've read this work," says the agent. "And I certify that the person who wrote it isn't crazy, untalented, or illiterate." The editors take the agent at her word.

Acceptance isn't the end of the agent's job either, hoo no. The agent's job is to act on the behalf of the author. Negotiation is key here. What do you think a writer gets when his book gets sold? An advance, right, along with a percentage of the book sales? Sure.  But there's more.  The agent is there to negotiate how much of an advance the writer gets, as well as how much of a percentage he gets. See, the advance is a lump-sum payout based on how many books the publisher thinks the writer can sell.  It's an advance against royalties. But that's not all. How many copies of the book in question does the writer get to distribute as he sees fit? Bet you didn't think of that one. See, when we go to conventions, signings, car-washes... We need to be able to give away or sell copies of our book to build our audience. The agent negotiates that number. In fact, the agent negotiates every aspect of the contract. Why? Well, it's in the agent's best interest. See the agent doesn't get paid until you do.

You read that right. Agents live off commission. They take a standard 10-15% of whatever you get. So, for the sake of argument, the agent negotiates an up-front advance of $10,000. Of that, they get up to 15% ($1,500), which leaves you with $8,500.  "But wait!" you shout. "That's my money!" Yes, and if it weren't for the hard work of the agent, you wouldn't be getting a thin dime of it, would you? No. So sit down and shut up. They earn it. But now you can see why they work so hard to negotiate. 10-15% isn't a whole lot of money, so they make sure to get you the best deal they can so they can get the best deal they can.  Get it?

Good Vs. Bad
So how can you tell the difference between a good agent and a bad agent? Glad you asked. There are lots of ways to tell if an agent is legit or not.

• Client List - Any agent will be able to tell you who they represent, and will be able to show you a list of sales for the last year. 
• Agency - Are they part of an agency, or do they lone-wolf it? Either way, you can find out about them or their agency. 
• Google - Google is your friend. If I look up my agent's name, I find all sorts of interviews, message board posts, and other sorts of documentation that she is, in fact, a real person and an agent of merit. 
• Predators and Editors - If you do not know this site already, bookmark it. Not only do they list editors, but agents, publishers, and scam artists. 

Choose wisely...

Other things you should know...

• Agents do not charge the writer up front. Period. They get paid when you do. Remember, money flows to the author, never away. 
• Agents are not your keepers. If they are representing you, you need to do your best to represent them. You want people to think of you in the best possible way? So does your agent. If your agent acted like a maniac, you wouldn't get into any door. If you act like one, your agent will lose credibility, and you'll lose said agent really fast. Follow the golden rule:  Don't be an asshole. 
• Agents are not your friends. You may become friends, but the truth is, an agent doesn't need to placate your ego or smooth ruffled feathers by telling you what you want to hear. They, like all of us, are in the business of making money. And if your latest opus won't do that, they have the obligation to tell you point-blank. 
• Agents are the experts. You hired them. You're paying them 10-15% of your contract. SO LISTEN TO THEM. Look, you hire someone to rewire your house, are you going to stand over them and badger them about how poorly they're doing their job? No. So, once you've got your agent, let them do their job. Listen to their expert advice. And, again, don't be an asshole. 

So how do I find an agent?

I know several ways, and they all boil down to the same technique: Query, wait, lather-rinse-repeat. Ah, but how do you find the right agent? Well, that's a bit more complicated, though less of a mystery. 

• Search - Look at your favorite authors. Check them out on the web. Look for other authors who write similar things to what you write. Chances are, those are the ones you're looking for. 
• More Searching - Go to writer's market or (again) Predators and Editors and look up the agents you're thinking of querying. 
• Networking - Y'know those things that I attend called "writer's conferences?"  Yeah... Agents go to those.  And they look for people to represent there. They're called "pitch sessions." And even if you don't land an agent there, you do have the best chance of getting to know one or two and picking their brains to see what they're looking for. 
• More Networking - My agent was introduced to me by a friend. No, I'm not going to namedrop, but he (an author of considerable respect) handed me her name and number and told me to give her a call and drop his name. That was the first and last time I've name-dropped to get ahead in the world, and it worked out. 

We approach the Agent cautiously...

But do I really need an agent?

Yes. And no. 

If you're looking for mainstream success with one of the major publishers, then yes. You absolutely need one.  If you're content to send your work to smaller publishers or to self-publish, then no, you don't. It depends on the kind of writer you want to be and what your goals are. My goals are to publish in the major markets and live next door to Stephen King and become recognized as the dark entity of evil that I like to pretend to be, but that my wife and kid refuse to acknowledge me to be.

The point is, it's up to you. Agent, no agent, it's your choice. I love mine, though. And that says a lot. 

What you can do with my advice. 

Until next time...

SAJ

Common Mistakes: The Ten Deadly Sins

Just because I'm a writer and have been published doesn't mean I don't make mistakes.  I do.  I make 'em all the time.  In fact, some of the worst mistakes I make in writing, I don't even see until someone smugly points them out to me.  Usually, that person is one of my current or former students, and more often than not they are pointing out a mistake for which I've beaten them about the head and shoulders.  So I'm not perfect.  In fact, if it weren't for beta readers and editors, a great many writers would never make it to print.  What I want to do, however, is point out a few of the most common mistakes with the hope that you will learn to avoid them.


See, I'm not saying "be like me" or "do as I say, not as I do."  What I'm saying is, I want you to be better than me.

Had - Had is bad.  I've typed that phrase over a thousand times.  Several professors questioned me on it.  But I stand by it. "Had," when used in anything other than the indication of former possession (he had a ball, but now he doesn't) or distant past is just plain wrong. Here's the thing... If you're talking about something that happened just moments ago, "had" doesn't work.  It's not the word you want.  "He had come into the room" vs. "He came into the room."  See the difference?  The first one was an example of something he did repeatedly over a long period of time.  The second one, he walked in just a moment ago.

Excessive Adverbs - We've all been told that adverbs are just a way of defining a verb.  He ran quickly or whispered softly or screamed loudly.  the problem with adverbs is that they're largely superfluous, and they are perhaps the most overused part of speech since the "had."  To wit:  How does someone run?  Quickly.  Do you know anyone who runs slowly?  Okay, yes, some people do, but the expectation in the written form is that, if a character runs, he's doing it quickly, thereby making the word "quickly" superfluous and redundant.  Of course there are exceptions, but they apply when something happens that is out of the norm.  For example, "He ran slowly.   In this case, slowly is not the expectation, so it's necessary.  You also run the risk of what we used to call "Tom Swifties," which is an adverb that so mimics the meaning of the verb it modifies as to render it superfluous, but comedically so. For example, she sang musically.  Well... Yeah.  Singing is, technically (in most cases) musical. If it's not, there's something wrong with your character's singing voice. "I don't know where we are," said Tom lostly.

Right or Left - Who cares?  Does it really matter whether a character's right or left hand is the one that got slapped?  Do we say that when we speak?  Do we say "I hurt my right hand?"  No, we don't.  Right or left, it doesn't matter.  What matters?  Hand.  I hurt my hand.  I got hit in the temple.  I put the keys in my hand.  He stepped on my foot.  See?  Right or left, who cares.  It's a superfluous piece of information that really does nothing more than muddy up your writing.  Unless there's a specific purpose for the mentioning of right or left, leave it out.

You - When you write, typically, you're writing in 3rd or 1st person.  And as such, the reader (or the audience) is stuck behind what we call "the fourth wall."  This is the invisible wall that is removed so we can get a glimpse into the lives of characters that sit in that three-camera set-up of sitcoms.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, go watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory.  See how we only see the apartment from one side?  Ever wonder what's on that 4th wall?  The audience, that's what.  So when you, the writer, use the word "you" (as I'm doing here frequently), it should only be done when directly addressing the reader.  In theater, this is called an "aside."  In literature, this is known as "annoying" and "distracting."

Starting - More often than not, I come across statements that say "he started to run..." or something of the like.  Perform an experiment with me.  Start to run. No really.  What you'll see is that there is actually a moment between not running and running, but "starting" to run is nothing but intention.  There's no movement there.  So if someone "started" to run, I'm left to wonder what stopped him.

Distancing and Filters - Look, I get it.  We all want the reader to know what our characters saw, felt, heard, etc.  It's called description.  But we also want the reader to become thoroughly absorbed in the story, right?  So writers tend to use filters.  "He saw," "She heard," "they knew..."  They're all sensory of one sort or another.  But here's the thing:  Every time you use one of these, you're reminding the reader that "hey... You're reading a story, and being told the story second hand."  There is a way to draw the reader in further, to deepen the POV:  Remove the filters.  Consider the difference:  "He heard birds sing" vs "birds sang."  In the first instance, we are told what he heard.  But in the second, we are there with him.  We hear it when he does.  We know what's going on.

Weak Words - I see words like "this," "these," and "those" all the time.  And guess what.  They're a cop-out.  Words like "this," "these," and "those" are lazy.  They're weak.  And worse, they make your prose read like stereo instructions. The three words listed have their proper places, but their place is not in your narration.  Ever.

Its vs It's - It's really quite simple.  "IT'S" is a contraction.  It means "it is."  "Its" is used in all other cases.  Period.  There's no debate here, no questions, no exceptions.  It's simply how it is.

Your vs You're - Again, easy.  "Your" means possession.  Something that belongs to you.  Your ball, your bat, your nervous breakdown.  "You're" is a contraction which means "you are."

There, They're, and Their - I see this one butchered all the time, and, frankly, it pisses me off.  Someone wasn't paying attention in junior high school.  So for those who still haven't grasped it, "there" is spacial.  "Here or there," "go over there," "what's that over there."  "Their" means "belonging to them."  "Their car."  "Their rugby team."  "Their funeral costs."  "They're" is a contraction which means "they are."  "They're going to murder me when they find out what I've done with their schnauzer, which a buried over there."

So there you have it.  Ten of the most common mistakes I come across in creative writing classes.  There are more.  Sooooo many more.  But these are the most common, outside of basic grammar and punctuation (which are for a whole 'nother blog).  Hope this helps someone.

Traditional Vs. Self Publishing

Recently, I stepped into a mire of goo the likes of which I haven't seen since I owned an 80lb dog.  I since deleted the post, but it got me thinking.  For the longest time (well, since I got into writing and got my first book published), I've been a staunch proponent of traditional publishing.  I've always been the guy out there yelling about how traditional is the way to go, that they are the gate-keepers of our craft and profession, and a thousand other arguments that fill message boards and professional organizations with vitriol and bile.  But it got me wondering.   Why is self-publishing so reviled?


I was born in 1971 and my childhood was spent in the 70's.  There were no "indie" bands that I knew of around that time, and when I was in Junior and High School  (1980's), it was cool for everyone to have a demo.  Indie bands were the thing.  I still have a demo of the Beastie Boys, and I can recall when Metallica was an unsigned act that was killing it in the local clubs.  And I recall, back then, the big question was "who are they signed with?" in regards to music.  If the answer was "no one," the retort was usually "then they can't be any good."


It was bullshit then.

Pictured:  That opinion

When I graduated High School and went off to college (I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Pasadena, California for a couple of years), indie-music was still huge, and growing.  But there was a new phenomenon on the horizon:  Indie comics.  The big two (Marvel and DC) got too big for their collective britches, and a whole world of creative independent artists and writers got together and said "screw them, we'll do it ourselves!"  And they did.  And again, there was a stigma about whether their work was any good because it didn't go through the big houses.


It, too, was bullshit.

Not quite the easy button...

Which brings us to today.  I went and soul-searched a little and realized something:  I can be a bit of a snob at times.  Today, the big publishers are running scared because of indie (notice, I didn't say "self") publishing.  They're being more selective (meaning they're not buying as many manuscripts), circling their wagons (which means many are going out of business and being bought up by others of their kind), and branching out (which means creating a "pay for publish" branch… I'm looking at you, Penguin) in an attempt to stop the arterial bleeding that is coming from the publishing industry today.  And you get dinosaurs like me, who seem to have become what we used to revile.  But that's not entirely true.   I'll get to that in a moment.


Why is it that indie music and indie comics and indie films get love and are heralded as fierce and creative and brave, while indie publishing is not?  As a good friend, and someone I respect (Joe "The Pope" Borrelli) said, let the public decide.  What is it that separates musicians, artists, film makers, and such from writers?  In all honesty, nothing.  It's art.  It's their interpretation of art.  And there are truly shitty examples in every category.  There also lurks brilliance.


Many years ago, I was a critic for a newspaper, so I was inundated with indie music on cassette (yes, I'm that old), and I found that 80% of it was crap.  The folks making said music needed to go back and learn to play their instruments, needed to learn a modicum of music theory.  Needed to actually listen to music to see where they were going wrong.  But the other 20%?  I still listen to them.  When I did film and book reviews for Dread Central, I was greeted with a similar percentage of garbage.  But then, every now and again, brilliance.   Some of the books I got were offensive, not from their content, but by the sheer gall of the writers involved calling themselves authors.  Does that sound elitist?  Maybe it is.  Maybe it offends me that I've spent years making serious study and effort to hone my craft, and yet anyone can plug in a computer, jump on Createspace, and publish anything they want.  Seriously.  But the big question is, should it offend me?  Probably not.  The public will decide, Mr. Borrelli.  The public will decide.  And while certain titles exist that cast the whole independent publishing movement in a bad light, hasn't that always been the case with indie music, film, and comics?


But wait, you say.  What about the old arguments about the publishers and labels and big dogs of the creative world being the gatekeepers?  Yeah… That's also bullshit.  Many of them are run by bean-counters now.  And while there are many micro and indie presses, they are no guarantee either.  Many of them (like Raw Dog Screaming Press and Permuted) take great pains to come off as professional and hire good editors and put forth an excellent product.  Lots more don't, and, no, I'm not going to name names.  Let's face it, there are no guarantees today.


So now it comes down to it…  I still prefer to be traditionally published.  Everything I've ever written has been traditionally published (except for one book that was done for charitable reasons).  But does that mean I won't eventually be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century and indie publish something?  Probably not.  There may come a point when I decide to indie publish, and it will be on my terms.  But if anything, I'd like to offer the following advice for folks who do, or who intend to indie publish.

• Do yourself a favor and hire an editor.  Not your buddy from down the street, but someone who actually knows what they're doing.  Yes, it's expensive, but then, so is publishing.  And it's worth it to present yourself in the most professional and polished manner possible.  Book reviewers (who drive your sales) are unforgiving when it comes to books full of typos.  
• Invest in good cover art.  A good cover can sell a truckload of books.  Bad cover art can make your stuff come off as amateur and childish.  
• Either hire someone to do your layout for you, or really learn how to do it.  InDesign is an expensive program, and so is Quark, but you're talking about your chosen career.  It's an investment.  
• Learn the basics of promotion.  Network and market your ass off, learn how to book signings, and figure out how to get the most reach for your dollar.  
• Surround yourself with a good team.  Beta readers, editors, artists, layout… Everything.  They can make or break you.  
• Be ready to smile and avoid coming off as angry. *ahem*

So maybe I am a dinosaur.  But, unlike big lizards of old, I prefer to change and adapt, and I reserve the right to change my point of view.  I'd also like to note that I know several (not lots, but a few) independent published authors who have gone on to great things (Rhiannon Frater leaps immediately to mind), and I respect them and their work.  I'm not going to change my opinion when I see a book that I think is crap, and I think most folks reading this have known me long enough to know that I don't ever apologize for my opinion.  If I think it's crap, I say it's crap.  But to those offended by my (unintentionally) controversial remarks, I have one thing to say:

Mea culpa. 

Signed your Gentleman Dinosaur